To quote the quote above, “You are not a backup plan.”
Life has a funny way of teaching us things we usually don’t want to learn. We are consistently harassed by events, people and situations that try our patience, test the limits of our hearts and minds, and, more often than not, require us to either be generous of spirit or to eliminate negative elements from our lives.
I am sure every one of you reading this has gone through most of the above and more. While none of those are the most pleasant, rainbows-and-butterflies kind of happy occurrences, these are the moments that define us – both to ourselves and those who are significant enough to warrant an opinion on our actions and our lives.
It’s so easy to blame someone else for one’s own faults. It’s also just as easy to just lie to get out of a situation you don’t want to be in. Equally simple is just living in denial of the facts and refashioning them to suit your needs. Who needs Facts when there are Alternative Facts, right?
While I have never been the strongest, most honest, most brilliant or most talented individual, I believe I have always been the most sincere and loyal friend, coworker and family member. For those people I have brought into my life and chosen to have in my inner circle of friends, I have always tried to give 110%. Sometimes, or rather often, I am disappointed when this level of love and care are either not reciprocated or are used to put me in a “needy, clingy, wants too much of my time” box. I am here to tell anyone else who has had that happen to them that this is total bullshit (pardon my French but this is a post that requires some bluntness).
People often want to blame the person who points out a problem or flaw exists. It doesn’t matter how nicely the criticism is phrased – they just aren’t willing to confront the issue or even acknowledge it exists. Their world is much happier without unpleasant truths and expectations. They prefer a world in which they are as close to perfect as it gets. When someone points out a shortcoming, suggests a change, offers advice that doesn’t mesh with their worldview, or raises questions about the relationship, they are immediately put into the “too needy/clingy” or “attacking me/aggressive” categories. This does not mean the individual trying to be sincere and true is in the wrong. It means it’s time to either move on and get rid of the immature individual in question or to make peace with the fact that this person will never truly value you as you are.
For those of you clinging to the notion that maybe ‘talking about it’ with this prideful and defensive individual will make a difference, allow me to disillusion you. They will Always see your sincerity and truthfulness (or in my case, my blunt foot forward) as an attack. You might be more tactful than me but the end result will be the same. Nothing between you will change other than the cementing of the ‘fact’ that you are too demanding. Of course, their demands on your time and energy don’t count. They are never too needy. The neediness is all you. To this, my reply is simply:
Choosing honesty, truth, and sincerity is a choice I have to make several times a day. It isn’t easy. I may be here writing all this but in truth I’m a very private sort of person. Being reticent by nature, it is hard work for me to appear open and honest. It’s not a lie that I am a strong, opinionated, and independent person. It is just also true that I have a hard time opening up to people, I often regret opening up when I do, I hate burdening others with my problems, I have to try really hard to rely on others, and I often feel apologetic that someone like me exists and is usually the cause of drama between friends. This drama might often be instigated by the inconsiderate nature of some people but I am still sorry for it.
This weird mix of confidence and humility is who I am. Unfortunately for those who like to put people in neat little boxes, I don’t fit any of them. Most people do not understand this and are not willing to accept it. I also do this thing where I grow and change. For some reason, this is also incomprehensible and inacceptable. I simply cannot do anything about this nor do I think I should have to. I am not here to fit in someone’s worldview. I am here to create my own.
Mr. Hemingway could not have spoken a greater truth more near to my heart. I may not be the ‘best’ person, but I have been vulnerable because of the traits he mentions. I refuse to let my strengths be made into weaknesses for others to exploit. Fear is the only thing holding most of us back from being our real selves. In reality, all of us are just fumbling our way through life, pretending we know what we are doing, hoping we are heading in the right general direction, and praying no one else sees through our façade.
Some of us are trying our best to just be honest with ourselves and with others. It results in people ridiculing me quite often. Even more, it results in me Learning things I would never have known had I not failed. Fail big – there is no better teacher than failure. Get up after you are broken and hurt and frustrated and ruined. Put one step in front of the other. Learn to love yourself. No one and nothing can hurt you if you are not afraid of failure and rejection.
I have also been extremely blessed in that I have found others who share my level of sincerity and do not want me to fit in a box or be the same forever. I am so very grateful they are in my life. I would be so much more broken without them. One of these great people sent me this quote the other day:
Another of those amazing people took me to a gun range for the first time (LOL) and let me shoot some of my frustrations away. I am so grateful to both of them. Thank you guys for being there for me and adding a sprinkle of magic into my existence <3. I am also really grateful to my family for being there unquestioningly and giving me comfort in the hardest of times.
We all fight very hard to be our truest selves. Most of us wear masks to get through the day. But we cannot hide from our own thoughts and hearts forever. There are things we would all rather be in denial about. I just find that extremely exhausting and would rather confront reality head on. The reality is that I am not valued in a way that makes me feel valued. I am being taken for granted and treated as a nuisance. My feelings do not matter because that would inconvenience the other party. Truth is powerful and now that I can accept these truths, I can finally begin to let go of something that has been really painful. I can begin to shift my understanding of another painfully warped relationship and begin to heal myself.
Words are empty vessels if they are not filled with and followed by actions. I have decided not to let myself continue with this uncomfortable reality and mold a better, more whole one. I have decided not to fall apart due to people who do not deserve my angst and sorrow – they do not value me enough for me to allow them so far into my heart. It is time to say goodbye to the farce I have been fooling myself with the past few years.
For anyone else out there struggling with your heart, whether it is because of a friend, a parent, a sibling, or a significant other, remember: You are not a backup plan. You are worthy of being loved as you are. You deserve to be valued and cared for if you have been valuing and caring for another. You do Not have to allow yourself to be hurt for the sake of someone else’s ego. Your self worth, self love, and self confidence do not depend on anyone’s opinion of you – they depend on Your opinion of you. You will face rejection, you will face betrayal and you will want to disappear from the earth sometimes. But do not fear, you are Not alone. All of us have been bruised and battered by life and we are still here.
There is so much more to your life left for you to discover. Be adventurous. Shoot fear in the ass. And remember, love yourself. There is still hope while you still hope. Be free and be hopeful. On that note, happy Monday, and may you all have a wonderful and productive week! 🙂