Category: Death


From the title of this post, I hope it is evident that I will be discussing topics that normally do not go hand in hand but are the most prominent on my mind and in my life at the moment. Settle down and buckle in, there is a long journey ahead.

Chocolate is one of the most beloved treats in the world. It is used in a wide variety of baked goods and is often sold on its own. There are a plethora of powerful, rich corporations that benefit from the production and sale of chocolate. Almost 42% of the cacao beans that are used to create chocolate and its byproducts such as cocoa butter are harvested and refined on the Ivory Coast.

I recently saw a documentary, “The Dark Side of Chocolate,” that altered the way I view my favorite sweet. It is information I cannot blind myself to and feel compelled to share here, the only real platform I have. It may not be surprising to many of you but I honestly had no clue until I watched this horrific documentary.

The chocolate industry is built on the back of trafficked children who are enslaved on cacao plantations and made to produce all of the cocoa beans that are then processed for our pleasure. The companies in question do not directly own said plantations and therefore claim no responsibility for this horrifying reality. They wash their hands of it with legal jargon and loopholes aplenty. The Ivory Coast governments do nothing – they are happy to be bringing in and sharing in the revenues which are to effect of hundreds of Billions of dollars yearly. There is no major chocolate company Not involved in this industry somehow. In short, no one cares for the children, as young as 6 years old, kidnapped and trafficked across borders into lands where they do not know the language and will never earn money. They will often die at a very young age, only to be easily replaced by another trafficked child. The price of their life and unending servitude? 230 euros. That is what they are worth. 230 euros.

At some point in your life, you have to realize that if you are privileged enough, as the vast majority of people I know are, to make decisions about where you spend money and who you spend it on, your choices matter. Every time I have purchased a candy bar in the local grocery store, I have paid for child trafficking. Every time I have given into a craving for a chocolate cake, I have paid for someone to enslave a child. Every time I have casually bought chocolate for trick-or-treaters, I have put my convenience ahead of the reality that my money is going to slave owners.

This goes against Everything I stand for. To me, freedom is the same as breathing. It is a fundamental human right. What goes on in Cote d’Ivoire is not only reprehensible in every way, it is purely inhumane.

What was most frightening of all is that I was made to understand that this is now happening in Florida in the good old US of A. Children are being trafficked in from places like Haiti to work in sugar cane fields, just so you and I can buy a bag of sugar for a few cents cheaper than we would be able to otherwise.

The entire state of things sickens me. I am sure this is not a practice limited just to the chocolate and sugar and other food industries. It only makes sense that all of the myriad of products that we use and dispose of without a second thought were made via cheap labor in substandard conditions somewhere. There were likely child laborers (such as in the diamond industry) or underpaid and exhausted adult laborers (such as in China, India, the Phillipines) involved. Everything I own is likely made on the back of someone else’s misery.

This is all very disheartening and made me feel like the worst human being. How could I pay for these corporations to continue to inflict such unacceptable conditions just so I could get things cheaply and conveniently.

The answer is that I can’t do that any longer. And maybe, one by one, if fewer and fewer people partake in the unconscientious acts of behemoth corporations, if the revenue generated falls dramatically and can be directly traced back to their unethical actions, maybe these atrocities against humanity will decrease little by little. Maybe the human consciousness will finally make an ethical decision rather than a debased and greedy one.

I, too, work for one of the largest corporations on the planet. In fact, I work for one of the most vilified sectors of industry: oil & gas. Energy companies are never held in a positive light. They are always known for bringing jobs and generating money, but they are also always known to be destroyers of the environment. In this case, I am a part of the problem. However, I think many people forget that the revenues generated by these companies are not only used to further their oil production, a large part of their revenue goes directly into taxes, which are then used to fund many many projects that bring about a lot of change. These same companies have also heavily invested in alternate energy sources and are even now funding many scientists worldwide who are doing research on things like solar power and wind energy. These alternative energy sources generate what is referred to as ‘clean’ energy.

The fact of the matter, however, is that we as humanity have always adversely affected our environment. Every advance we have made has destroyed nature a little more. Every technological advance we now enjoy was built on the back of a behemoth like an energy company. Tech companies are just as shady as their energy counterparts. The conveniences we all enjoy, such as the internet, smartphones, cars, home delivery services and so much more are all dependent on energy generation and distribution. Without these companies people hate so much, we would have none of that. The things I’ve mentioned are only the tip of the ice berg. My point here is simple: do not judge a book by its cover. I had never thought of the chocolate industry as a monster before because of their many successful marketing campaigns for longer than I have been alive. I think energy companies should borrow the PR personnel from these chocolate companies – they are very good at their jobs.

In conjunction with terrible entities such as the chocolate conglomerates mentioned above, there are terrorists. Terrorists are very much like a vast corporation: they have an objective, they have personnel, they are involved in many different lines of business worldwide, and they have funding. People are investing funds into this business of terrorism and the extremist recruits are willing worker bees. Behind it all is their ideology of hate and lack of compassion. I have said it before and I will say it again for the people who seem not to realize this: Terrorism is not an act of faith or religion. It is hate in its purest, most animal form.

I am a Muslim American and I can guarantee you no one hates ISIS more than the rest of the Muslim community. People say that we don’t speak up about it but we do, we have, and we will continue to do so. I have personally done so on many occasions. I just have no power or prominence in this world. If I had it my way, no one would hurt anyone in the name of my faith, of which the literal meaning is Peace. These extremists love to conveniently forget how sacred human life is because aggression and anger are easier.

There are many instances in the recent past of unprovoked acts of terrorism. These were not all propagated by ISIS or its sympathizers. Terrorism is, Surprise!, not unique to those claiming to be Muslims. In the interest of clarity, I do not consider anyone who goes around senselessly taking innocent lives a Muslim. They are not even close to the definition of Muslim. They are monsters in human form. If I could wish death on all of them, I would. But I digress. Back to the fact that terrorism is in fact committed by a great many people who are not Muslim, are not of Arabic or South East Asian decent, and have no ties to ISIS.

The recent and devastating shooting in Las Vegas is one such example. The many shootings that have occurred before in schools, on college campuses, in work places, and even in movie theaters are other events that should be classified as terrorism. Just because the shooters were not Muslims, this does not make them ‘disturbed individuals.’ Their actions classify them as terrorists. One such example is the case of the Springfield Church shooter in Texas. He spent a year in Navy jail following a conviction in Navy court for continual abuse of his wife and infant son. However, he was allowed to buy a gun and then used it to take 26 lives. I am not opposed to the ownership of guns by private citizens but I do think that regulations regarding who can and cannot own a weapon are in need of heavy revision. Also, I think the term terrorism itself needs a revised definition. What this shooter and others like him have done is incite fear, terror, chaos and create a huge loss in communities. This is what terrorists do, albeit with a political agenda. Mass shooter is not a good enough term for persons of this nature.

Regardless, what happened in New York City recently gave me goosebumps and had me shivering in anger and fear. I felt such outrage and hatred towards the man that claims to be ISIS. He is the reason billions like me are vilified, have been shot at, bombed, run out of their homes and made into refugees, and are being ethnically cleansed in places like Myanmar. Yes, the killing of Rohingya Muslims is so conveniently forgotten. The world has turned its back on them. Nowhere is the horror people feel about the genocide of the Jews in Nazi Germany or the apartheid in South Africa. Nowhere is the sympathy expressed to the survivors of these awful events. No one weeps for the death of the Rohingya. No one even remembers the millions slaughtered when the British were forced out of India and India was split into Muslim and Hindu, Pakistani and Indian. Why? Because they don’t matter to the West.

I am terrified by the lack of empathy people have for others. I am convinced that there will come a time when my family and I will become the target of the many hate crimes already occurring in our country. The facts that I am a female, a Muslim and am not Caucasian are three strikes against me that I will have to carry forever. I have been shunned for it many times. Now, however, it is not a question of social ostracizing. It is a question of my physical well being itself. There are places like the Rothko Chapel where all are welcome but they are few and far between. Emotionally, most of the world is having to learn to cope with an extremely different reality than the one they were born into. However, there are certain groups being targeted more than others and I fear for the safety of them all. I also fear for the safety of first responders and police officers who are simply trying to do their jobs and end up being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

I fear most for the most innocent and helpless of all – the children of this horribly unbalanced world. They are our future, but what kind of present are we handing them? What kind of options are we leaving for them to build a future in? I am afraid that the answer to those questions is vastly different depending on the race, place, and gender of the child. The socioeconomic collapses happening around the world are ensuring that the future generations are deprived of many freedoms and opportunities that I know I had as a child. Children are no longer free to run in the streets or play unsupervised. Child predators and gang violence have a large part to play in this in the more developed nations. In lesser developed nations, there are additional factors like political demonstrations, terrorist attacks, and child trafficking.

Children are abused horribly worldwide. Often, it is by the people who should be protecting them and teaching them to defend themselves. While I didn’t have the worst of any kind of child abuse, emotional and mental abuse is something I grew up with and dealt with on a daily basis. Several people I know have experienced extreme physical abuse at the hands of their parents or other authority figures. The practice is always propagated in the name of discipline and people don’t interfere because it isn’t their family and none of their business. However, from the point of view of someone who both went through a lifetime of scarring and watched others suffer the same or worse, I think that not speaking up or interfering is the same as being complicit. You are enabling the abusive behavior if you aren’t stopping it. Don’t get me wrong – sometimes physical discipline is necessary. However, there is a Big difference between discipline and abuse.

There were two new reports recently that really stuck out to me. I’m sure there are, unfortunately, hundreds of such instances every year but these are the ones I read about. One is a case where two drug addict parents neglected a 4 month old infant to the point that it lay dead in its own feces in a swing for a week before they decided to contact any authorities. They then claimed that the infant had died in the last few hours and they didn’t know how. Autopsy of the infant proved them liars. They also had an older child and I don’t even want to imagine the abuse that child has likely faced.

The second incident concerned an army officer, his wife who was the step-mother to his three children, and primarily his two older daughters. All children were beaten routinely. CPS has been called regarding the father’s abuse towards his children multiple times. There was a time when he hosed down his children, naked, in their yard in freezing weather with cold water as punishment. He made them eat cat feces and put it all over their faces another time. He also used dog shock collars and ‘switches’ on them. His wife encouraged all of this and even encouraged him to be more violent. CPS had closed his case as high risk.

First, how do you just close a case as high risk CPS? I get that you need more funding, but come on. Second, this man should have had his children taken long before they were. The man was finally arrested recently but has Still not been dishonorably discharged from the army.

What exactly are you doing Army and Navy? Please take care of your own so they don’t go off their rockers after you train them to Kill. Also, don’t hide it when they do go nuts. It doesn’t protect anyone. It just puts us all, and especially their families, at risk.

Another horrible common occurrence I keep having the displeasure to come across is animal cruelty in so many shapes and forms. Those shock collars I mentioned above are barbaric. As a proud parent of 3 cats, I cannot ever imagine abusing any of them ever. I don’t understand why people insist on having pets they cannot take care of. Some people, I’m convinced, simply have animals so they can feel in control and empowered. They hurt the poor animals just because they can. I have heard/read about instances where these animals are starved, never allowed to move from their enclosures and many times die horrible in horrible conditions. And that’s without starting on the animal farms out there. Let me tell you, those poor animals are facing some pretty stomach turning realities. I won’t link anything here. This is something I’ll let you discover in your own time. No, I’m not a vegan but I do try to eat less meat and most of it Halal – those animals have to be treated right or they won’t be Halal meat.

I am sometimes so envious of my parent’s generation. They had it all and all of the world was an adventure. There was still war and unrest and famine. But through it all, there was always Hope. I feel the world had forgotten that word for a long time. Mass media frenzies didn’t help  spread positive news, instead they furthered the culture of fear mongering, victim blaming, finger pointing and lack of exposure to anything good in the world. The beauty of the world, once so celebrated and forever captured in the classics, has been forgotten for so long. I am happy to say that devastating events like Hurricane Harvey have actually brought people closer. People are starting to Hope again and that gives me hope for the coming generations. I hope that is one thing they never lose – the ability to hope for the best while coping with the worst.

With that said, I think there are some things that really can bring a community together. Hurricane Harvey and all its destruction has brought one of the most diverse communities on the planet together, all working together to help each other. The Astros winning the World Series(!!!!!!!!) is definitely one of the most amazing things to have happened to Houston in a long time. Yes, we hosted the Super Bowl. Yes, the Houston Dynamo are also in the playoffs. But the Astros brought home the trophy baby! And I was one of those crazy people in line outside the Academy at 11 pm so that I could get a T-shirt RIGHT THEN. I didn’t get my goods and get home until almost 2 am. I, like many others, told my boss I couldn’t make it to work the next day. However, in that line, I bonded with my community a little. We all stood around hollering like crazy at any car that tooted at us and played “We are the Champions” real loud while driving by real slow. It was a party! I am so glad I got to experience that moment of community.

I was unable to attend the parade, sadly, but I definitely paraded around in my Astros gear (pun intended). Thank you Astros for giving us this win, we really needed it. Now, lets go Dynamo and maybe Rockets?

To continue in the vein of exciting events, I recently attended my very first book signing for “It Devours!” written by Joseph Fink and Jeffrey Cranor. With their second novel based in the Night Vale universe, the authors continued to delight readers like myself (and all the other fans packed in to Murder by the Book – excellent bookstore near Rice Village near Rice Village). The podcast is amazing (Welcome to Night Vale if you aren’t familiar with it) but so was being in the presence of the brilliant and eclectic minds that created it. The talk and the question and answer sessions were all pretty great. The moment I got to tell them I’m a big fan and get my book signed was AMAZING. I didn’t manage to get a picture but I’ll have that moment in my mind forever.

I felt the writing fire ignite within me after the Q&A session – they were just like me, working through ideas and seeing what stuck. It gave me hope that I will one day actually be able to complete my novel (wish me luck). I don’t know if anyone will ever read and enjoy it but I’m going to keep going. It’s the only thing you can do if you want to succeed.

In any case, thank  you for sticking around through this entire post. I know it was a lot of different topics but I intended for this blog to be a mono/dialogue between me and any potential readers. Feel free to post comments, disagree, praise, hate, love whatever I’ve written. I would love to hear your thoughts.

Until next time, be safe world. Be strong. Stand in Hope Together. Ciao!

 

 

I have had a whirlwind of a last couple of months. Interviews, a new job, getting sued for medical bills I never denied payment for, and a car crash that left my car like so:

The hassle with the insurance companies and finding a new car and needing to pay a difference on the totaled vehicle and paying a citation that followed this horrific and traumatic event in my life was almost enough to make me wish I hadn’t survived. However, the day it happened, I started writing a poem (sort of) and later realized I was just getting frustrated with a system designed to make you give up and decide that life is no longer worth it. If my near death experience taught me anything, it is that there is very little in life that really matters. Everything else is just meaningless fluff.

I am so very grateful to my true friends – the ones who were there for me and stepped up to the plate to help out both me and my family. Being down to one vehicle with a very long commute to work in two opposite directions is zero fun. Thank you guys for being awesome. Thank you for helping me long enough for me to remember how not to be miserable again and to simply be grateful for all my blessings.

Without further ado, here is what I really came to say today:

If you asked me yesterday what I’d be doing today, I would not have said anything along the lines or what actually did happen. This is not how I planned for my Valentine’s day to go. 

Today, I almost died.
Today, I almost killed others with no intent.
Today, I realized in a moment of clarity, while spinning uncontrollably under an 18 wheeler that almost crushed me and being shot back across a miralculously empty for a few seconds high-speed four-lane highway to safety in the median, that I didn’t have any regrets while leaving this world.
Today, by all logic and probability, I should be dead.
Today, I feel so empowered to be alive, to be here still, to be a living voice in the drone of many voices.
Today, I am grateful to be able to write these words, to drink a hot chocolate, to enjoy my family and their love, to learn who my true friends are, and take joy from the antics of my cats.
Today, I am pleasantly surprised to know I have found people, who after a week of knowing me, would drive into danger to save me. And that a person I met once cared enough to send me a few words of comfort in my time of need.
Today, I know I’ve changed into someone I can hardly recognize and so much of the anguish I held inside has disappeared with the wreckage of my cursed car.
Today, my spirit is still restless and all is not well with my soul but I know I am not afraid of death or what comes after. Returning to God’s embrace does not bring this sinful soul a trace of terror, only a yearning to be in His presence.
Today, I know what Really matters to me in the chaos and corruption and suffering and negativity that has been ruling my social feed and fueling my passion for justice and equality.
Today, my heart confirmed that Love really is the cliched answer to so many hatreds but it is not a solution easily achieved. I still cannot bring myself to forgive those that have truly wronged my soul.
Today, I know I was saved by the will of God and in His Mercy He saved me; maybe someday I will be worthy of His miracle.
Today, I know that all things taken into account, GOOD still exists in the world, people can be wonderful, and God still cares.
Today, I am reborn.

Depression, for me, is a combination of apathy and self hate. It is a dwelling upon singular instances that become my entire existence. It is an amplification of every negativity I have ever been the perpetrator of or perceived myself as being responsible for. It is the reaching out of the past grabbing me in the present. It is the crushing weight of my perceived failures when, really, they were all simply lessons I had to learn.

Time seems to ebb and flow like waves gently rolling in to a sandy beach on a sunny day. Other days it passes by in a blur, so fast it is gone in a flash. Sometimes, it seems to fold in upon itself as the past reaches out to grab the present, intending to influence the future.

Some people like time is a linear line that goes straight forward from point A to B. They have a set plan for everything they do, not realizing that only works until life throws a curveball and sets you off the predicted trajectory. Some people get stuck on a singular moment in their lives, forgetting to live the moment they are in now. They lose all the opportunities that come to them in their grief, in their shock, in the longing for a reality that no longer exists. Yet others seem to treat time like a joke. Its nuances and expectations hold no interest for them. They live only in the moment, never planning a single thing, never moving forward, never remembering a lesson learned.

Most people experience a little of all these different aspects of time. They plan for the future. They live in the moment from time to time. They grieve over a loss they suffered occasionally. All of those things are normal. It is only when one gets focused on just the one aspect of an incredibly intricate series of events that become a life story that they stop living.

Death becomes an escape from the sheer monotony of one’s apathetic existence. It seems to be the only road left to walk on when the darkness shallows you whole. The demons that live inside rejoice when the inclination to live, to love, to allow that you are worth loving, to grow, to change, to Be ceases to be. They proclaim the only relief to be found is in the arms of death. They assure me that it will be a relief for everyone else in my life too. They will finally be free of suffering me.

I have learned over time that life goes on. Whatever is crushing us in this moment will one day become a bearable memory some day, if only we have the strength to continue. That strength doesn’t come just from oneself. It comes from the friends that are with you through it all. It comes from the family you were lucky enough to either be born to or have built yourself. It comes from faith and hope. 

Time waits for no one. It marches on even when the world is ending and you don’t think you will ever breathe the same again. It goes on even when there is not a shred of light in your life. It keeps going when the most horrendous things happen. Change is not a deterrent for time. It is simply the result of times passing. Time passes by stagnation as easily as it passes by entropy. 

It doesn’t matter what life you live or who you are. There is one truth that gives me strength and I hope it will give hope to anyone else suffering from heartbreak or depression.

Life is change. This too will pass. I promise.

Bombing, bombing everywhere
Kill them all, instill fear
In the name of God, you say?
When you were all killers anyway

I weep for you, victims of this blight
I weep for you, who lose your light
I weep for you, who lost it all
I weep for you, whose futures were stolen

You who say this is in the way of God
You are the very evil you speak of
Satan, devil, devil spawn
Live inside you in your own form

These lives you keep taking so lightly
The joy you keep erasing so blithely
The rivers of blood, all the youth dead
They aren’t enough to pacify your rage

The world isn’t at fault, it is You
The innocents you killed deserved so much better than you
The homes you destroyed, the lives you ended
They will never return, their souls forever cursing you

Hell to the unbelievers you say
Hell to the inhuman heathens you are I say
My religion is the Way of Peace, not your bastard faith
I hate you for sullying the name of God this way

Bombing won’t get you anywhere
It won’t land you in Heaven, I swear
But understand that Muslims everywhere
Despise you, wishing ruin on your prayers

To all of you who don’t think your pain I can imagine
Know that these people have killed my people too
They don’t care for the value of life or their own principles
They have no idea what real Muslims do

We must suffer for the actions of these unschooled fanatics
These thugs and criminals wearing the face of Islam
But know that you cannot hate them as much as I
For the many lives destroyed in the name of my God

I weep for the loss of the innocent
I weep for the loss of human potential
I weep for the loss of families
I weep most for the loss of humanity