Category: Hope


There is nothing but hope for the future. After Harvey, Irma, Jose, and Maria drowning all of the South and Puerto Rico, half of North America being on fire and a devastating earthquake in Mexico, I have nothing but prayers for those effected and sympathy for anyone who survived but lost their loved ones and the lives they worked so hard to build. The terrorism rampant everywhere does nothing to help us move forward. It only serves to unite against a common enemy – senseless violence.

In connection to the natural disasters, I must commend the communities who rose up and helped one another in an unprecedented manner. Being in Houston amidst Harvey and then watching how people from all over came here just to help us out made me believe in humanity once more. People of every creed, race, color and gender, regardless of their differences, stood together and literally formed human chains in support of each other. The Cajun Navy was AMAZING as were all of our first responders. I thank you deeply for coming and helping the people of my community so selflessly and bravely. Most of all, thank you for saving lives (both human and animal) and giving us all Hope for the future.

This selfless spirit has been spreading worldwide. Houston and all those that came to lend us help have shown the world that we all Can and Do get along just fine. It is simply a few hundred voices in billions who would love to spread discord – they just manage to be heard more loudly at times because of the disaster that often accompanies their agendas. Though these disasters are devastating and continue to horrify with the extent of damage experienced, the results have been astoundingly positive everywhere. I am simply moved to tears at what people can accomplish when they see each other as simply human. The sympathy, empathy and simple humanity exhibited has been breathtaking.

I know that amongst all these monstrously unhappy worldwide events and unrest, my small battles aren’t even minutely important. At the same time, I believe each of us fights a million small battles each day. Many are fighting for survival itself in deplorable conditions. Many are even now awaiting rescue and trying to put their lives together. Many are left to survive without their loved ones at their sides.

My personal drama, in comparison, cannot even begin to compare. I am extremely Blessed to be untouched by this series of natural disasters thus far. I must expound on this for my own personal satisfaction and to relieve myself of emotions that have been making my heart heavy thus far. There are people I have loved but can no longer see myself walking with in life. I am glad they were here with me when it was the right time for them to be. I am also really happy they have exited my life, willingly or not, and taken their toxic influences with them. I couldn’t quite put it into words until now but I think these words below will suffice:

 

When you tell me you love me
You don’t really mean it
Your words are as empty
As cracks in old, worn stone

When you tell me you love me
You expect me to believe it
Though you never let anyone in
Far enough to call your own

When you tell me you love me
You’re trying to convince me
That a repetition of lies will
Somehow make them come true

When you tell me you love me
You just go through the motions
Forcing me to take false kindness
To you, ugly truth is overblown

When you tell me you love me
You leave me aching with a longing,
A wishing that someone
Really would want to call me their own

When you tell me you love me
But poison others towards me
While insisting on your innocence
You are a lying child, overgrown

When you tell me you love me
But you are only here to judge me
I tell you that love is an emotion
You have never felt or known

You tell me you love me
But you only love being loved
To  love, you must be selfless
But you haven’t a single selfless bone

You tell me you love me
But your words ring hollow
Leaving you unable to comprehend
Why your whims I do not follow

You tell me you love me
But my heart knows better
Than to trust a two-faced viper
With even a second more

When you tell me you love me
But are deaf to my feelings
I would rather you leave me
I am much better off alone

 
I have learned the hard way that there are many people out there that do not truly value sincerity and loyalty. They value nothing but, ultimately, themselves and their own petty self interests. They are also blind to the needs of others and feel resentful when forced to face their shortcomings. They refuse to see things in any light but their own. They are in denial about so many things, it is as though they have created some kind of utopia in their mind that no one else can access. Most frighteningly, they slow become the very people they profess to hate.

Such is the nature of life – it brings us lessons in the shape of people who are kind, who are dedicated, who betray, who lie, who are staunch supporters, who are two-faced frenemies, who become family, who stab you in the back, who break your heart, who mend that broken heart. Such is the passage of time – the highs and the lows are inevitable. Change is inevitable but it does not always have to be a crushing change, rather it can be the metamorphosis of the caterpillar to a butterfly. Pain is inevitable but it does not have to be pain without purpose. Growing pains are a thing to be celebrated and welcomed with open arms.  People coming through the journey of your life only to leave is also inevitable. The ones you need will be in your life at the time that is right for them.

There is not one Right way to do things – there are as many ways as there are people in this world (so approximately 7.6 billion views, give or take a few million). This doesn’t mean that I am saint enough or mature enough to simply accept them all with no debate. I would probably debate my stances rather hotly. What this Does mean is that I can respect you while disagreeing with you. What I cannot respect is someone who is duplicitous and will not respect my intelligence enough to be straightforward and true with me in return.

There are many things that can break a person into tiny little pieces that will never be put back together quite the same – human beings are much more fragile and complex that Humpty Dumpty unfortunately. We all experience loss of faith and hope at some point in our lives. In the face of untold evil both within and without, this loss seems quite inevitable. It is what you do after that initial break that truly defines who you are. The moments when you begin to question the fabric of the universe itself and if there was a maker and who that creator is, and the answers you arrive at after that, define you more than anything else. How you acquit yourself in the face of adversity and sometimes physical opposition defines who you are.

Amidst all the deaths, the chaos, the unrest, the bloodshed, the sheer arrogance of some to believe they are better than others for whatever XYZ reason, the complacency of most of the world population to do little more than nothing in the face of all of this (of whom I must admit I sadly belong), all the stars that are being born and dying, the waves of humanity arriving in and departing from this life, the joy of accomplishment and living, the shattering disappointment of failure and crushing weight of loneliness, there is One thing we cannot stand to lose – HOPE.

The past is done, unchangeable. The present is already here, we can only barely react to it. The future, however, is both our friend and capricious enemy. The only way to bring it to heel is to plan, to fail, and to learn. We must live in the moment while still hoping for a better tomorrow. We must make a way for this better tomorrow to happen. Sometimes that better tomorrow, that better us, requires a hard decision and a difficult parting of ways. Sometimes it is simply an opportunity to grow and become more, to find someone or something better suited to you.

Look at the glass and see it half full – all the world’s events and your own personal dramas will change into different scenarios before your eyes. Our perspectives hold the keys to our tomorrows. We have weathered many tragedies as a collective of humanity. I believe we will prevail again. Together, we must move forward while walking our own paths to our common end. Meandering or direct, easy or difficult, we must all support one another in moving forward. After all, there is nothing left but hope for the future.

Until next time, ciao!

 

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To quote the quote above, “You are not a backup plan.”

Life has a funny way of teaching us things we usually don’t want to learn. We are consistently harassed by events, people and situations that try our patience, test the limits of our hearts and minds, and, more often than not, require us to either be generous of spirit or to eliminate negative elements from our lives.

I am sure every one of you reading this has gone through most of the above and more. While none of those are the most pleasant, rainbows-and-butterflies kind of happy occurrences, these are the moments that define us – both to ourselves and those who are significant enough to warrant an opinion on our actions and our lives.

It’s so easy to blame someone else for one’s own faults. It’s also just as easy to just lie to get out of a situation you don’t want to be in. Equally simple is just living in denial of the facts and refashioning them to suit your needs. Who needs Facts when there are Alternative Facts, right?

While I have never been the strongest, most honest, most brilliant or most talented individual, I believe I have always been the most sincere and loyal friend, coworker and family member. For those people I have brought into my life and chosen to have in my inner circle of friends, I have always tried to give 110%. Sometimes, or rather often, I am disappointed when this level of love and care are either not reciprocated or are used to put me in a “needy, clingy, wants too much of my time” box. I am here to tell anyone else who has had that happen to them that this is total bullshit (pardon my French but this is a post that requires some bluntness).

 

People often want to blame the person who points out a problem or flaw exists. It doesn’t matter how nicely the criticism is phrased – they just aren’t willing to confront the issue or even acknowledge it exists. Their world is much happier without unpleasant truths and expectations. They prefer a world in which they are as close to perfect as it gets. When someone points out a shortcoming, suggests a change, offers advice that doesn’t mesh with their worldview, or raises questions about the relationship, they are immediately put into the “too needy/clingy” or “attacking me/aggressive” categories. This does not mean the individual trying to be sincere and true is in the wrong. It means it’s time to either move on and get rid of the immature individual in question or to make peace with the fact that this person will never truly value you as you are.

 

For those of you clinging to the notion that maybe ‘talking about it’ with this prideful and defensive individual will make a difference, allow me to disillusion you. They will Always see your sincerity and truthfulness (or in my case, my blunt foot forward) as an attack. You might be more tactful than me but the end result will be the same. Nothing between you will change other than the cementing of the ‘fact’ that you are too demanding. Of course, their demands on your time and energy don’t count. They are never too needy. The neediness is all you. To this, my reply is simply:

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Choosing honesty, truth, and sincerity is a choice I have to make several times a day. It isn’t easy. I may be here writing all this but in truth I’m a very private sort of person. Being reticent by nature, it is hard work for me to appear open and honest. It’s not a lie that I am a strong, opinionated, and independent person. It is just also true that I have a hard time opening up to people, I often regret opening up when I do, I hate burdening others with my problems, I have to try really hard to rely on others, and I often feel apologetic that someone like me exists and is usually the cause of drama between friends. This drama might often be instigated by the inconsiderate nature of some people but I am still sorry for it.

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This weird mix of confidence and humility is who I am. Unfortunately for those who like to put people in neat little boxes, I don’t fit any of them. Most people do not understand this and are not willing to accept it. I also do this thing where I grow and change. For some reason, this is also incomprehensible and inacceptable. I simply cannot do anything about this nor do I think I should have to. I am not here to fit in someone’s worldview. I am here to create my own.

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Mr. Hemingway could not have spoken a greater truth more near to my  heart. I may not be the ‘best’ person, but I have been vulnerable because of the traits he mentions. I refuse to let my strengths be made into weaknesses for others to exploit. Fear is the only thing holding most of us back from being our real selves. In reality, all of us are just fumbling our way through life, pretending we know what we are doing, hoping we are heading in the right general direction, and praying no one else sees through our façade.

Some of us are trying our best to just be honest with ourselves and with others. It results in people ridiculing me quite often. Even more, it results in me Learning things I would never have known had I not failed. Fail big – there is no better teacher than failure. Get up after you are broken and hurt and frustrated and ruined. Put one step in front of the other. Learn to love yourself. No one and nothing can hurt you if you are not afraid of failure and rejection.

I have also been extremely blessed in that I have found others who share my level of sincerity and do not want me to fit in a box or be the same forever. I am so very grateful they are in my life. I would be so much more broken without them. One of these great people sent me this quote the other day:

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Another of those amazing people took me to a gun range for the first time (LOL) and let me shoot some of my frustrations away. I am so grateful to both of them. Thank you guys for being there for me and adding a sprinkle of magic into my existence <3. I am also really grateful to my family for being there unquestioningly and giving me comfort in the hardest of times.

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We all fight very hard to be our truest selves. Most of us wear masks to get through the day. But we cannot hide from our own thoughts and hearts forever. There are things we would all rather be in denial about. I just find that extremely exhausting and would rather confront reality head on. The reality is that I am not valued in a way that makes me feel valued. I am being taken for granted and treated as a nuisance. My feelings do not matter because that would inconvenience the other party. Truth is powerful and now that I can accept these truths, I can finally begin to let go of something that has been really painful. I can begin to shift my understanding of another painfully warped relationship and begin to heal myself.

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Words are empty vessels if they are not filled with and followed by actions.  I have decided not to let myself continue with this uncomfortable reality and mold a better, more whole one. I have decided not to fall apart due to people who do not deserve my angst and sorrow – they do not value me enough for me to allow them so far into my heart. It is time to say goodbye to the farce I have been fooling myself with the past few years.

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For anyone else out there struggling with your heart, whether it is because of a friend, a parent, a sibling, or a significant other, remember: You are not a backup plan. You are worthy of being loved as you are. You deserve to be valued and cared for if you have been valuing and caring for another. You do Not have to allow yourself to be hurt for the sake of someone else’s ego. Your self worth, self love, and self confidence do not depend on anyone’s opinion of you – they depend on Your opinion of you. You will face rejection, you will face betrayal and you will want to disappear from the earth sometimes. But do not fear, you are Not alone. All of us have been bruised and battered by life and we are still here.

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There is so much more to your life left for you to discover. Be adventurous. Shoot fear in the ass. And remember, love yourself. There is still hope while you still hope. Be free and be hopeful. On that note, happy Monday, and may you all have a wonderful and productive week! 🙂

 

 

I have had a whirlwind of a last couple of months. Interviews, a new job, getting sued for medical bills I never denied payment for, and a car crash that left my car like so:

The hassle with the insurance companies and finding a new car and needing to pay a difference on the totaled vehicle and paying a citation that followed this horrific and traumatic event in my life was almost enough to make me wish I hadn’t survived. However, the day it happened, I started writing a poem (sort of) and later realized I was just getting frustrated with a system designed to make you give up and decide that life is no longer worth it. If my near death experience taught me anything, it is that there is very little in life that really matters. Everything else is just meaningless fluff.

I am so very grateful to my true friends – the ones who were there for me and stepped up to the plate to help out both me and my family. Being down to one vehicle with a very long commute to work in two opposite directions is zero fun. Thank you guys for being awesome. Thank you for helping me long enough for me to remember how not to be miserable again and to simply be grateful for all my blessings.

Without further ado, here is what I really came to say today:

If you asked me yesterday what I’d be doing today, I would not have said anything along the lines or what actually did happen. This is not how I planned for my Valentine’s day to go. 

Today, I almost died.
Today, I almost killed others with no intent.
Today, I realized in a moment of clarity, while spinning uncontrollably under an 18 wheeler that almost crushed me and being shot back across a miralculously empty for a few seconds high-speed four-lane highway to safety in the median, that I didn’t have any regrets while leaving this world.
Today, by all logic and probability, I should be dead.
Today, I feel so empowered to be alive, to be here still, to be a living voice in the drone of many voices.
Today, I am grateful to be able to write these words, to drink a hot chocolate, to enjoy my family and their love, to learn who my true friends are, and take joy from the antics of my cats.
Today, I am pleasantly surprised to know I have found people, who after a week of knowing me, would drive into danger to save me. And that a person I met once cared enough to send me a few words of comfort in my time of need.
Today, I know I’ve changed into someone I can hardly recognize and so much of the anguish I held inside has disappeared with the wreckage of my cursed car.
Today, my spirit is still restless and all is not well with my soul but I know I am not afraid of death or what comes after. Returning to God’s embrace does not bring this sinful soul a trace of terror, only a yearning to be in His presence.
Today, I know what Really matters to me in the chaos and corruption and suffering and negativity that has been ruling my social feed and fueling my passion for justice and equality.
Today, my heart confirmed that Love really is the cliched answer to so many hatreds but it is not a solution easily achieved. I still cannot bring myself to forgive those that have truly wronged my soul.
Today, I know I was saved by the will of God and in His Mercy He saved me; maybe someday I will be worthy of His miracle.
Today, I know that all things taken into account, GOOD still exists in the world, people can be wonderful, and God still cares.
Today, I am reborn.

A strong woman, they say
Forged in the fires of pain
Feeling the salt and blood of rivers
Flowing down the cracks in her skin
Through the warmth that keeps
Her living, slowly becoming her veins

A strong woman, they call her
As she picks herself up again and again
You, and you, and you, and you –
You who were supposed to be
Her brother, her lover, her protector, friend
Turned into the very vultures that
Attacked her even as she writhed in pain

A strong woman, they labeled me
This tired, brittle bag of bones
With each day, it becomes harder
Each trial making me more alone
I did all I imagined possible
But it was never enough to ensure
That I would never have to be strong enough
To weather all, steady as stone

A strong woman, I’m told
Is one like me, racing through
Typhoons, tidal waves, earthquakes
Even the deep dark of a black hole
As if nothing is of consequence
Like no matter how many meteorites strike me
I will simply go on, perfectly whole

A strong woman, I may have become
But with every step, every fall
My soul shattered into jagged glass
My feet slippery from bleeding with
Cuts made each time I broke
And break I did, losing another piece of me
Every time I had to forge myself anew

This strong, independent woman
Was wrung through every pain the world
Could imagine, first taking her innocence
Then her dignity, clipping her wings
To cage her when she would have flown
Slowly corrupting even her smile
Until all that remained was a shell

This strong woman became a hollow husk
A puppet on a string manipulated
By you, her protectors in name
But in truth, you were her jailers
The ones forever claiming you knew
What she could and could not do

This woman, before she was strong
Was in apathetic darkness years long
Eventually, she realized she would die
If she remained caged, unable to fly
So she broke free of her shackles
Finally roaring with rage
Daring the world to challenge
Her right to live, never again enslaved

This strong woman, she made
So many choices, both right and wrong
But she learned her own mind
She learned to stand strong
Believing she could shape her own life
Whether or not she ever came to belong

This strong woman slowly changed
From a girl into a woman older than her age
Along the way, she lost many people
She broke her heart, she failed her dreams
Some people abandoned her, some used her
But with every scar, she learned to go on

This strong woman, she survived
The rush of agony each time
Life taught, terrorized, traumatized
Each time, the dark rose to take over
She learned a new depth of light inside
Growing stronger with every passing night

This strong woman, who knew love once
Came to know betrayal
Came to know abandonment
Learned she could always fail
With every instance she chose perseverance
Her desire to Live grew stronger, she prevailed

A strong woman can never be weak
Even as you choke the life blood from her
No tear will fall from her eyes
No sign of pain will show through her mask
She will only scream silently, praying for help
She never gets an answer that
She didn’t have to create for herself

A strong woman should never be lonely
That is the mantra she repeats to herself
Every time she sees someone happy, whole
She wonders who her happiness stole
She became so strong that the weak majority
Became afraid and intimidated
Now she walks alone because
No one of equal strength walks nearby

A strong woman they call me
As if it was so easy to become me
As if I didn’t have to struggle down
Every path I chose for myself
As if every scar didn’t tell another
Festering, heartbreaking story
As if, somehow, this title I have earned
Were just a casual note in a Symphony

This strong woman, every time she starts anew
Digging out a new path, carving a new trail
Becomes a little stronger with each drop of pain
Becomes harder with every scorching flame
The pressure of hardship and expectations
Slowly turning her into a diamond untamed